China Syndrome

Wasn't the China Syndrome a film about a nuclear thingy with Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas many moons ago? No, I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about something else - our 20th wedding anniversary. Now I know the hip young things will have already moved on to some other blog like Shagtastic or Hoola Loola or whatever fancy names these other hip and happening blogs have, but surely there's some room somewhere for me?

Yes - I've been married for 20 years. As I've said to many people, you get less for murder.

So what did we get up to? Well, if you're still reading, we went to the Dulwich Picture Gallery, had lunch, wandered through Dulwich Village and the park, and then went on to do the school run. There. That was it. Oh, in the evening, after Brownies, we had some champagne. Bollinger, which he got from a client last Christmas.


It was actually rather nice. I may even take him to the Summer Exhibition preview - you can wander around with a drink having a good laugh at the exhibits. I went last summer when England were playing their first World Cup game. It was quite an eventful visit. As I approached Piccadilly Circus, I thought it rather strange that no traffic was hurtling towards me. I presumed it was the fact that everyone was at home watching football. But no. As I got to the other side of the road I narrowly missed being run over by some bloke on a bike. With no clothes on. He was followed by lots of other naked men on bikes. It was the nudie cycle protest!
After the first contingent of naked men went past my attention turned to the people on the pavement. Well, you see one dangler you've seen then all..... Everyone had their cameras, phones, camcorders, you name it out recording the event. People were absolutely astonished to see what was going on. One young man nearly fainted at the sight of a very mature woman with no clothes on. Her boobs were neatly perched on the handlebars of her bike. Young man of course could never imagine such a thing could happen and had to hang on to a lamp post for support, much to the amusement of his friends.
The protesters were accompanied by police people on bikes. Never will I forget the young WPC on her bike, fully clothed, bringing up the rear. She looked so mortified, poor soul. Suffice to say the Exhibition was no follow up for this unexpected slice of London life, although I enjoyed watching everyone have a good laugh at the Hare's egg and the light that went on and off

But I digress. What is it like to be married for 20 years? Should I stop being married? What would that be like? How would I ever find someone else? Because that's the secret of a happy marriage - lack of confidence, inertia, and being very short sighted.

Still, doesn't seem to stop other people taking off. Or even doing it again? Triumph of hope over experience, isn't that what they call it?

I could never get married again. It would be like learning how to drive again - just when you know where you're going, some bloody man grabs the wheel.

So it starts......my first published article

Well, I was very excited to see that my first piece of writing has been published.

It's all fab, but check out page 11!

http://www.alltherage.org.uk/alltherage-2007-04.pdf

Should I have said hello?

Wednesday is my day for walking down to the now upmarket Balham badlands to check out the bargains in Waitrose. After loading my booty into my trolley, I was waiting to cross the road and who should come and stand next to me, wearing a hat almost as daft as mine, but Arthur Smith! I have been a big Arthur Smith fan for years now and really enjoy listening to him on the radio. I tried to catch his eye but failed miserably. I just got the feeling he was a bit distracted and had to get somewhere. So he dashed across the road, leaving me behind, and went into one of the more fashionable watering holes.

What would Milena have done? Well, Milena wouldn't have been on Balham High Road with a shopping trolley full of cut price meat from Waitrose for a start. But that's not very helpful. OK, Imagine that Milena WAS there. What would she have done? I think she would have left him alone too. She would have been wearing a hat and sunglasses too - probably more stylish - but she would have respected his privacy and let him get on with his day.

Yes - that's it. Respecting people's privacy. Not much of that goes on these days, so it seems to me. I was lucky enough to go along to the fantastic Green Wing convention in January this year and there was quite a debate on how celebrities seem to be treated as public property. The ladies organising the event were so concerned about anyone from the show being subjected to inappropriate behaviour certain measures were taken to make sure that all went well. In the event, we all behaved ourselves - even the GW people! Living in the age of fecklessness as we do, our convention was an oasis of calm , comfort and chocolate cock eating. Not quite sure what would have happened if JRT or Tamsin Grieg had joined us, but I'm sure that certain people would have hidden in the loo and squealed in there in order to preserve their dignity and avoid being slung out by the organising committee!

No doubt I'll see Arthur again, and get the chance to tell him that I think he's looking very well now he's given up the drinking , and that I enjoy his work very much. So he's got that to look forward to, lucky lucky him!

Where to meet men

I have been thinking about the issue of where to meet men for some time now. I don't need to meet any, actually, as I already have one, much to Milena's surprise, but I do have a number of female friends who like me have arrived at mid forties without being encumbered by A Man. Oh, they manage well enough, etc etc, indeed very well, frankly I think they don't know how lucky they are, but that's for another day. And yet and yet and yet......how does that saying go? something about fish and bicycles. I suppose anyone under the age of 35 will never have heard about that one. I remember buying a postcard with that saying on it - had it on the wall of my room when I was a student many moons ago now.
But I digress. Where can a woman in her mid forties meet a man with whom she might want to have a relationship ?
My meditation teacher is an inspiration - she and her husband split up a year or so ago and she has embraced the single life with a gusto that would put a teenager to shame.
"Where do you find them?" I asked her during a break at the manifestation day she was running recently. "Oh, you know, the usual places - parties and clubs."
I looked at her blankly. "You mean at your children's parties and Brownies?"
"No no no, you know, grown up parties, and out clubbing."
Again I looked at her blankly. "No, sorry. The last grown up party I went to I spent it hoovering up the buffet, and I didn't know anyone over the age of 25 went clubbing. There's no hope for me then, is there?"
"No, not really" she replied and she moved off to put the tofu back into the fridge.

So that really wasn't very helpful then.

I have done some research, though, and have come up with the following:

Quincaillerie dept (that's ironmongery dept to you and me) of the BHV dept store in central Paris. It's full of men with DIY skills fingering the twenty different types of chicken wire. I showed it to a single friend of mine during a visit to Paris last Spring. She was very impressed.

Any small supermarket near a station after 6.30pm - full of single men buying beer and crisps.
Forget the larger ones with car parks - the family men will be there with a long list.

And that's it really. Can't think of anything else. I know loads of places where you can meet women, and they are as follows:

College of Psychic Studies - take your pick, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Check out their website for all their courses and workshops.

Yoga classes - the added bonus is that they're all bendy! Except for the old one in the remedial class - oh that's me then. Sorry, Milena.....

Supermarkets - any time of the day, but as with the men, anyone doing a family shop is not a good bet. Hang around the confectionery section - the more chocolate she's buying, the luckier you'll be.

Any coffee establishment. All on her own, with a book or writing in a fancy notebook with a fluffy pen.
Um, can't think of any more at the moment. Anywhere, basically. Nice women are everywhere.

Let's start at the very beginning

Hello. Milena Delle Fortezze is a character I created over 30 years ago as a young girl. I had forgotten all about her until she was resurrected as Mac's ideal woman in the very first episode of Green Wing. I was stunned. How did they know about her? Those people - they really found my letters and read each one out loud. She is the Latino chick of his dreams. She is also as far from me as it is possible to be, but I do have a very rich fantasy life - the result of a career in administration, I suppose.

Why have I called my blog after her? Well, I now realise she IS a part of me, although you wouldn't think it to look at me! In real life I'm more vague than vogue, more gammon than gamine, and I did think of another one but it escapes me now..... Seriously folks, you can't insult me any more than I insult myself!

I normally spend my days talking to myself, so seeing how easy it was to set up this blog, I decided to share my mutterings with you, you lucky people.....